


look at how my tears ricochet

by butimalsonothappy



Category: Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt Tony Stark, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-13 04:48:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29147733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/butimalsonothappy/pseuds/butimalsonothappy
Summary: tony reflects on the death of a certain dorky superhero.
Relationships: Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Kudos: 7





	look at how my tears ricochet

**Author's Note:**

> IM BACK FROM THE DEAD WITH MORE WRITING! obviously this is a taylor swift lyric song thing. the song is "my tears ricochet". i thought of this last july when folklore came out and i simply never wrote it until now. probably should say be ready to cry if you get emotional easily?

**we gather here, we line up, weepin' in a sunlit room**

**and if i'm on fire, you'll be made of ashes too**

Tony might never wrap his head around how the moment played out. Looking into Peter's eyes one second and telling him everything would be okay, and watching the kid disintegrate in his arms the next. Peter had a chain reaction effect on Tony. If something happened to Peter, it was sure to happen to him, too. Except it didn't. He waited and waited and waited, wanting so badly to be the next to vanish, even if only to see Peter again. 

The room the funeral was in was much too dreary for someone as bright as Peter. That's the only thought his broken mind could conjure. 

**'cause i loved you, i swear i loved you**

**'til my dying day**

Peter loved him, he remembers suddenly. May had told him a few days before the funeral. 

~

_"Tony? Pepper said you would be in here, I just had something I wanted to tell you before the funeral." May had said as she stepped into the makeshift lab at the cabin._

_Tony had slowly lifted his head from the table and raised his eyebrow in question, too drained to speak._

_May sits on the couch next to him before she starts. "A few weeks before the...battle, Peter had come to my room around two A.M. I remember thinking it was weird considering he's 15, not 5. But he'd looked like he'd been crying, so I was concerned." She pauses for a second to lay a hand on Tony's knee, "He said he loved you, Tony."_

_And Tony had sat there with his mouth hanging open the smallest bit, eyes silently welling up as May rubbed circles into his knee._

_~_

Well, at least it'd been mutual.

**and you're the hero flying around, saving face**

Tony couldn't even count on two hands the amount of times he'd had to save Peter or talk for him. 

Peter had always had a fanboy feeling radiating off of him no matter how long they knew each other. Almost like he was stuck in the idea of being in the same room as the great Iron Man no matter how close they got. 

Tony loved that teenage innocence about him. 

**cursing my name, wishing i stayed**

**look at how my tears ricochet**

Tony is now convinced he's never going to stop crying about this. Maybe that's how it's going to have to be. Spend his last years crying over a teenage boy who happened to make the weight on his chest a little lighter.

He finds that he doesn't mind the sound of that thought.

**we gather stones, never knowing what they'll mean**

**some to throw, some to make a diamond ring**

He can't lose the feeling of guilt and regret. He knew he should have made sure Peter got home before he entered the ship. If he had, maybe the boy would have survived. Maybe he wouldn't have had to go on a search for a stone that was going to get him killed in the end. 

Tony rubs the watch that's hooked loosely on his right hand. Peter's. He couldn't bear to part with it after May dropped it off at his front door. 

A permanent reminder of what once was, and never will be again.

**'cause when i'd fight, you used to tell me i was brave**

Tony remembers the first few missions Peter came on. He never did stop talking, did he? 

He specifically recalls a moment from months ago, when Peter had told him what really happened with the Vulture. He was shocked to say the least. And it was his fault. If he hadn't taken the suit, he wouldn't have been in that much pain or trouble.

~

_Peter motioned for Tony to sit on the chair across from the sofa in the penthouse common room._

_"Can I ask what this is about, kid?" Tony asked cautiously._

_"Um yeah just...give me a minute." Tony watched Peter take a few breaths before he started talking. "Remember when I fought the Vulture a little while ago? Well, funny story. You're gonna laugh at this." Peter talks faster when he sees Tony's eyebrow raised in question. "I got trapped under a building because of him."_

_Tony almost blacked out right there._

_The rest of the night consisted of back and forth about suit rules._

**and i still talk to you (when i'm screaming at the sky)**

**and when you can't sleep at night (you hear my stolen lullabies)**

Sometimes Tony walked outside onto the boat dock and layed there, looking at the stars in the late hours of the night. He always connected space to Peter, it was the kid's second favorite thing besides Spiderman.

So if he missed Peter and wanted to try to talk to him? He stared at the stars and blabbered on until Pepper came outside in the early morning to pull him back in. 

~

The inability to sleep sometimes is the worst part about losing someone you loved, Tony thinks. He's been awake for 4 days without even a second of sleep.

He's not too fond of the nightmares that come with sleep these days. 

**you turned into your worst fears**

**and you're tossing out blame, drunk on this pain**

**crossing out the good years**

He promised himself he wouldn't do it, promised Pepper and Morgan, and yet he still did it. 

He drank to help himself move on, that's what he told himself. He knows why he really did it. He wanted a sense of control again. He could control alcohol intake. Or he could even choose not to control it. 

Tony blacked out in the kitchen once because of his new drinking habits. Morgan had screamed for Pepper, who ran from the shower, soap still in her hair, to the kitchen to discover Tony face down on the floor with a bottle of alcohol opened on the counter.

Maybe he would try to not make it to the hospital.

His eyes slipped close before he could make that choice. 

**and you're cursing my name, wishing i stayed**

**look at how my tears ricochet**


End file.
